The monster

The Monster

I have a monster that lives within me! I don't know if others do or not however I suspect that others do. This monster is always hungry!! No matter how much I feed him; he wants more! It is so frustrating. I don't know how to handle this situation. I think about begging my doctor for drugs to control "him/it" but I don't do it. I want sugar; lots of sugar. I cant go without it. It is truly a drug...a very strong drug; so addicting. I just got the candy box down from the top of the frig. There are chocolate candy bars. I salivate when I see them. I have a half of Almond Joy from last nite in there. I eat it and I feel really really good. It is so soothing. Then I see a new kind of chocolate bar. It boasts chocolate and peanut butter; which is my very favorite combination! I think, I will just eat half. So I eat half and put the other half on the counter to share with my husband. The chocolate and peanut butter are so yummy! I have to have the other half!! I have to have the other half So I eat the other half. Now I have to hide the wrapper...I stuff it into the yogurt container that I made myself eat for lunch because I know I need to eat "something healthy". I push the yogurt container way down deep in the trash container.
About a half hour later: my stomach feels yucky!! Sometimes this happens when I am on a sweet binge.......its been quite a long time...In March, April, May and part of June, Bob and I did Weight watchers. I was feeling good. I was keeping the chocolate monster under control. Sometimes I can do that but not real often. I love the feeling when I am in control. I feel so powerful!!

Last night we had guests for dinner. I made homemade bread, yummy. I bought frosted Halloween cookies and we served chocolate fudgy ice cream...wow You would think the monster would be happy BUT oh no he was not. I was very smart and gave the cookies to the guests to take home...ha ha monster  Later while watching TV we just had to finish of the candy that a friend gave Bob. Well, at least it is gone!

Yesterday was not a good day either...I had bought cookies but those are gone now. Hooray. Had a half of Almond Joy But only one half!! I also snacked on puffed rice snacks which I buy because they don't have a lot of calories!! oh, and I also got into the nuts....
And Saturday nite we went to a card party and I just pigged out on brownies!!

It all started when we took our 5th wheel camper on the road for two weeks then stopped in NY for Bob's family reunion and then drove to Maine to see my family..When we got back home we left a week later for North Carolina to visit our friends the Adlers for the month of September...so what is really was, was one BIG LONG VACATION which means not eating right. Well our meals were pretty good there were just lots of treats...like  lots of ice cream and pistachio muffins from Ingles!!. Three months of treats just gonna put you on the roller coaster...I gained back all the weight I lost on WW.

The thing I hate about the monster is my stomach bloats up and looks horrible and my clothes don't fit me!!
I have two new dresses I bought when I lost weight on Weight Watchers. I wore one of them once and the tags are still on the other one AND I CANT GET INTO EITHER ONE NOW..I am so disgusted with myself....I want to wear my new dresses! I am at the very top of my heavy weight!! I need some motivation..I need some help. I am tempted to do the EVIL DROPS UNDER THE TONGUE DIET that I said I would never do again. I hate it BUT it stops the monster..it puts me in control...I am all powerful.

Nov 4
I started the diet drops yesterday!  I lost 3lbs!! I have got to get the monster under my control and this is the only way I know to do it when its this powerful.....I can only consume 500 calories perday and only eat the foods on the list AND I have to weigh everything..It is very difficult BUT I know I can do it. I will get off the sugar!!! I will not be controlled by a drug.

Yesterday I had to make apple cobbler for our church meeting! They had salad but dressing was on it; they had potato soup and I love potato soup. I had one spoonful of the tomato soup and I had a few grapes and that wall ALL. but darn it they had so many desserts that I ended up taking mine home. So I picked up a few apples ; then Bob reminded me the sugar from the topping probably melted into the apples!! I think I will freeze some and maybe take the rest to Stacie!

One little glitch is:  I am going camping with my horse for four days. This will definitely be a challenge...but somehow I will manage. In the past, camping has been a time for treats!!